he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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