I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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