the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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