Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
