You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You did what with his pubic hair?
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