Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
