Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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