Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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