Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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