glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
