just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
