I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
