You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
