I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize