i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm too high and old for this...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
