so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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