i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
The air taste purple.
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