sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
