WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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