splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
