On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
