God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
