Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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