I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
