I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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