K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize