So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
