Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
