Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Mom said you looked used
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
