Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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