I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
