Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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