I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
