I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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