i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
