Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
