When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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