when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
