My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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