White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
