You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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