genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
