2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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