Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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