and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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