We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
