look no pants
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
