I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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