Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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