dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this boner is exhausting
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
