thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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