i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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