where am i from again
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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