at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
