3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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