I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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