I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
