I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
