I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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